What do expect when you’re pregnant and your friend is infertile
You’re PREGNANT?!
I put a smile on my face, because I was really TRULY happy for you!… A new baby! How EXCITING!!
But no more than sixty seconds later I felt tears forming in my eyes. My heart was beating so hard it was going to pound out of my chest so I quickly excused myself to use the restroom…and I cried.
I sat there and cried….
I cried a LOT….
I sat in the bathroom with my hands covering my face and cried in silence. I didn’t want you to know. I didn’t want my family to know. But I couldn’t help my emotions and they just took over.
I need you to know that I wasn’t crying because of you. I wasn’t crying because of your baby. I wasn’t crying because I was mad at you…sad at you… frustrated with you.
I was crying because I was sad for me. I was sad for my husband. I was sad for my daughter. It was a reminder of my pain. And it was a reminder of the thing I want most, but can’t have at this time.
There are so many couples that struggle with infertility. TOO MANY couples. It is a pain that I wish upon NOBODY. To have a righteous, good desire and for it not to come to pass easily, is probably one of the hardest things anyone could go through.
Today I want to tell you the truth. To tell you how it feels to be the infertile friend and how we really feel about you and your sweet new baby that you are expecting.
The Truth About Your Infertile Friend
Here are TEN truths about your infertile friend:
She is so happy for you. To see you happy, makes her SO happy. She is so glad that you don’t have to go through what she is going through. She doesn’t want anyone to have to suffer like she is {especially her friend!} and wants you to find the greatest joy, that she knows motherhood brings.
Don’t be nervous to talk to her about your fun news or pregnancy. The longer you keep a secret, the more it hurts. Tell her fast and let her experience the joy with you. There is nothing you can say or do that will make the news easier for her – so know that she may cry. In fact, she will probably cry. She will cry not because she is weak, but because she has been so strong.
She wants you to treasure EVERY part of being pregnant. Please. She begs you. She knows it isn’t ALL fun and games. The nausea. The pain. The sleep depravation. The uncomfortableness. But try to cherish it. Be grateful for that baby inside of you. She would do anything in the world to feel a baby kick. To crave pickles and ice cream. To not be able to see her toes because of a big baby belly. Or waddle into a hospital to give birth to a miracle.
She hopes you will remember to never take being a mom for granted. NEVER. EVER. Being a mom is the most incredible, precious and rewarding calling you will ever have. There will be hard times and frustrating times. There will be tears and screams. But after the challenges, will come the greatest joys and the most amazing satisfactions that will make it ALL worth it. Love your little ones. Kiss them. Hug them. Tell them they are good and kind and beautiful and talented and strong and brave. Let them know how precious they are.
She will want to come over and hold your sweet baby. And she want to stay all day long. When she holds your new baby, she will feel complete for a minute. She may close her eyes and breathe in deep. There is NOTHING more perfect than a brand new baby straight from heaven. She will want to cuddle the baby and steal all the kisses in the world. She will love your children like they are her own.
She may be suffering in silence. You may not even know that she is hurting. She may have a smile on her face and may not even ever mention the word baby or infertility. She may be smiling on the outside, but completely breaking in the inside. You never know what someone is going through – we all have our stories to tell. Be kind.
Infertility doesn’t just go away – it is something she will probably live with even if she has a kid of her own. Sometimes looks can be deceiving. Just because she is a mom, doesn’t mean she wouldn’t love another.
She thinks you are an amazing mom. And dreams of being like you one day. She looks up to you and is taking notes. She wants to look that cute in maternity clothes! She wants a play room full of toys! She wants to be too busy with her family, that her kitchen is a mess and her laundry pile is higher than the ceiling! She wants to do her daughter’s hair and cheer for her son at a soccer game. She wants to read books. Sing songs. Play the tickle monster. Have an excuse to watch Disney movies. Rock a child to sleep. And to hear the word, “Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom” seventy-six times in an hour.
She needs your prayers and feels them daily. When you ask her what you can do for her and she says, “nothing” – know that there is always something. You can always pray. You can give her hope. You can show her that she is never alone.
She cherishes your friendship and is grateful for you. All of our lives get hard because we all have different trials. But no matter what she goes through – or what you have to go through – she will love you. Her heart is full that she has a friend like you! Someone that amongst your different experiences, can be there for each other no matter what.
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Danielle is the owner of Today's the Best Day. She strives to provide creative and uplifting content in order to enrich the parenting experience for women everywhere. Danielle hopes to help you and your family to make every day the best day! 
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Becky
April 25, 2017 at 7:10 pm (7 years ago)Absolutely nailed it. We suffered infertility for 14.5 years before I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. I honestly thought I was dying because I wasn’t EVER supposed to get pregnant. 14 months after having my daughter I got pregnant with my son. Both miracles. I don’t and can’t forget the pain of our struggles, but now I celebrate and cherish every moment I have, even being thrown up on and cleaning vomit from carseats. I am so happy for the reason I have to clean it up. I have two beautiful children, and I will never complain about cleaning up vomit etc. I am grateful.
I mourn for those who still suffer. Thank you for coining exactly how I have felt and do feel.
Ashley
January 7, 2017 at 4:13 am (7 years ago)All very true. Thank you for putting words to my feelings.
Dian Ravi
October 22, 2016 at 4:23 am (8 years ago)Thank you for writting this. This is really how I feel every time my friends or someone in the family get pregnant.
Kathy
April 29, 2016 at 8:04 pm (8 years ago)Thanks for sharing-the part that hit home – even though she’s a mom, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t long for another.
Emily
March 1, 2016 at 7:02 pm (8 years ago)Thank you for your words! Especially the part about it never leaving you, even if you’re able to have a sweet little one eventually. From one messy bun mom to another, I love your blog! Peace be with you!
Shambray
February 21, 2016 at 2:45 pm (8 years ago)Thank you for writing this! I don’t struggle with infertility, but I have way too many sweet people in my life that do! Way too many! You are amazing! I’m so glad we met this weekend!
Melissa
February 20, 2016 at 10:08 pm (8 years ago)This is a beautiful post! I loved it, you nailed my feelings. I love how positive you are about it. I was fun to meet you yesterday.
Can’t wait to work with you guys!
Jenny
February 12, 2016 at 3:39 am (8 years ago)What an amazing, eye opening story. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. 🙂
Julie M
February 12, 2016 at 12:26 am (8 years ago)This is very beautifully written. It expressed how I feel but cannot put into words. I have shared this with many of my friends. Thank you!
Nicci Fletcher
February 11, 2016 at 2:09 pm (8 years ago)I think hearing that a close friend is pregnant is one of the hardest things to deal with when you can’t have children yourself. There are so many conflicting emotions swirling around inside that you feel fit to burst. It is so difficult to get the balance right between being supportive and happy for your friend whilst protecting yourself from the pain that such news brings. You hope that the more it happens the easier it will be. Unfortunately, if you have still not had the children you desire, it can get worse and worse each time.
In addition to the ten truths that you have mentioned there is also jealousy and guilt. When you want something so much, and have been completely devastated because you have not being able to have a child, it is understandable to feel jealous. It might only be for a moment yet it will be there. This piles on even more conflicting emotions. How can you feel jealous, especially when the person who has fallen pregnant is one of your closest friends? This leads to the guilt. You start to believe that you are a bad person and a bad friend for feeling that jealousy. If the jealously lasts for longer than a fleeting moment then you could also run the risk of losing your friend. So yes I’ve been happy for when my friends have told me they are pregnant and have also experienced many, may be all, of the other thruths that you’ve mentioned and yet I hate the announcements too. Fortunately most of my closest friends are now in their mid to late 40s so I won’t have to deal with the situation for much longer. Until they start becoming grandparents that is!
Tricia
February 11, 2016 at 4:27 am (8 years ago)Such a well written and so true article. I am 49 years old and the want of children of my own never goes away. Like you said I am happy for those who have children and cry a lot because it’s not me. But God has the plan and it took me many years to come to terms with that. His will be done. Thanks for posting.
Erin
February 10, 2016 at 1:39 pm (8 years ago)So beautifully written! Couldn’t have said it better myself. Thank you so much for sharing and putting into words exactly how I feel. Praying for you!
Angelia
February 9, 2016 at 11:18 pm (8 years ago)I know only too well..It took years for me to get pregnant only to loose it at 3 months. I was so very lucky to finally after almost 5 years we have a girl …three months early to boot! She was to be are only one. I had to grieve the loss of more children and be lucky to have one. My heart has mended now but it took time lots and lots of time..
beth
September 20, 2016 at 3:24 am (8 years ago)This shows the emotional conflict that goes along with infertility. My sister and have had our struggles with knowing what to say or how to say it. Not wanting her to feel sad or guilty
Kristen
February 9, 2016 at 12:47 am (8 years ago)Thank you. You articulate this better than I ever could have. It also is so wonderful to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
Nadine
February 9, 2016 at 12:15 am (8 years ago)Hi Danielle, Thank you for posting this article. I went through three cycles of IVF, it was the third cycle that blessed us with my sweet son Giovanni. Everyday I feel so fortunate to have him in our lives. Hang in there..and keep praying for your miracle! XOXO Nadine